How did we get in to this?
What makes someone want to 'swing'?
Without a doubt the most asked question we get both at the
clubs, on fabs and from friends is…
“How did you get in to this?”
And it’s not that easy to answer. Many things happened over
the course of 2024 for me personally which had a huge impact on how I felt
mentally – but ultimately – this was the outcome.
So trigger warning, if you’re only here for the sordid tales
of sex you may want to skip this one.
Here’s some context for how 2024 was going.
Our last child was born in 2022 – we had packed in house
moves, kids, and new jobs a-plenty over our relationship and as 2023 closed we
had closed the chapter on baby making with a vasectomy for Mr. We’d bought our
forever home and we had no intentions of moving again. Work was also on a
plateau. With kids absorbing so much energy I wasn’t giving as much to work and
I was losing interest. Working to make rich people richer wasn’t filling my
cup. I needed a new challenge but with 4 young kids it didn’t seem like the
right time. A new boss came in at my work who took an instant dislike to me. I
was reporting to three people which made work nothing less than hell. By March,
my mental health was at an all time low and I was signed off with depression
for a week to get my head in order. I couldn’t bear to be around my children
and every emotion I had felt like it was erupting from just under the surface. With
the state of the NHS I didn’t expect help beyond prescribing anti-depressants
which I was hesitant to take. I took comfort in food and my weight ballooned.
I’ve always been quite self aware and I knew I had to make a
change.
- I stopped berating myself for my weight gain and bought clothes that actually fit.
- I switched off from work doing only what was asked of me and nothing more.
- I started a hobby or two.
These helped and I could function day-to-day. But there was
still something simmering away. I’d love to say it was a lightbulb moment of
realisation but the outcome was from many, many conversations with Mr who could
see that I was no myself. He created the most psychologically safe environment
that allowed me to verbalise thoughts and feelings to see how they felt.
I recall vividly on our drive to The Netherlands dropping
what felt like the first big bombshell. My body was a wreck. From boobs that no
longer pointed up, the stretch marks, the overhang, the fat, to the pelvic
floor control I didn’t have any more. I looked in the mirror and didn’t
recognise the person staring back at me. How could Mr still love and want me? I
rationalised that he loved me for more than just my body. I had grown, birthed
and fed 4 children. He had to love the resulting body. But nobody else ever
would. Nobody else would ever want to fuck me again. This feeling was
oppressive. I felt I was trapped with Mr. I would be with him forever not
because I wanted to be with him but because I had no alternative. That feeling
was everything I swore I never wanted having left one abusive relationship in
the past. I very inarticulately told Mr these feelings. His response was, “Get
Tinder”. I dismissed the idea thinking that superficial validation wasn’t quite
what I wanted or needed. But I did download it and create a profile. And no
lie, it was great fun to swipe and judge profiles. Conversations lasted no more
than a dozen messages because I couldn’t lie and say I was single, I had no
intention to meet anyone and I definitely didn’t want a relationship. It wasn’t
even a band aid for what I needed.
Mr offered up the idea of a threesome multiple times and I
quickly shot him down. Mr had shown me only adoration and to think about being
with someone else felt like the ultimate betrayal. It felt that he was offering
this as a token to keep me and not because it was what he wanted. If I agreed
and we went ahead then we could never undo it. What if he hated it? But more,
what if I hated it? What if it didn’t solve the problem and we fucked up our
marriage for something that didn’t even solve the problem? But the bigger
problem? What if I loved it? Wouldn’t that be the end of us?
There are times I question everything about my marriage and
other times I realise how amazing it is. Despite my protestations that I didn’t
want a threesome, Mr didn’t drop the conversation. He could always see that
despite the many improvements in my mental health I was still not right. We
kept building on the conversation and articulating how we felt. I needed to
know more of Mr’s fantasies and what he liked. We started sharing the porn that
we watched. Going from never talking about sex to sharing our wank bank
material was a huge thing. He dismissed my favourite content as ‘women’s porn’ and
he chose a FOUR HOUR long casting couch. He liked watching people. He shared
the fantasy that he had not just with me but with past girlfriends, to watch
them with someone else.
Mr had some health issues over the course of the year too
which affected his performance in the bedroom. With my sex drive at an all time
high post children and his ability at a low point the idea of having a more open
relationship was floated with the firm condition that whatever happened had to
be with 100% transparency. We did a bit of investigating and discovered Fabs and we nervously created a profile.
What started was a journey of self discovery for us both. I
had the best time talking to so many people. Filling a cup I barely knew I
needed. Starting a brand new journey. A journey underpinned with an open,
trusting relationship focusing on communication.
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